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Alex Dean "Coey" Coburn (born 7 May 1995) is an Australian politician, athlete and public personality. Since 2020, he has served as the 29th and current Prime Minister of Australia, and has been the Leader of the Liberal Party since 2014. Coburn is the Member of Parliament representing the Newcastle-based Division of Swansea.

Coburn was born in Newcastle, New South Wales, though controversy exists between groups as to what his 'true' birthplace really is. Liberal Party of Australia supporters and right-wing jerks have often preached Coburn's place of origin to be Heaven, while others (namely those from more humanitarian and socially just backgrounds, like Greenies) have claimed he was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Early life and Origins

File:Infantcoburn.jpg

Much of Coburn's early history remains unknown, adding to the mythology surrounding his 'creation' by some supernatural force. It is believed by some that Coburn is the creation not of human reproduction, but rather some unexplained kind of overt influence on divinely-created human cells, similar to the myth of Anakin Skywalker's birth in Star Wars.

While most of his early history is unknown, a number of relics suggesting Coburn was active many years prior to the first verified accounts of his actions have recently surfaced. Several of these have come from ancient manuscripts and texts held by his friend and long-time ally Ted Hughes. Two of these include:

Relic #1

Believed to have been recorded c. 29/6/2011:

The right and honourable A. D. Coburn esquire does not condone the use of similar sounding names to two children of the same mother and/or father.

Relic #2

A victory letter recovered from the DEC issued laptop of Ted Hughes, believed to pertain to a high school SRC election, written ahead of polling results, believed to have been recorded c. 30/6/2011:

I thank my loyal people and servants namely Tanya, Brynner, Thilina and Maclean, for their excellent efforts in delivering me victory. I commiserate with those who have lost and I say to them 'Better luck next year, in the other five seats up for grabs.' Thanks again. - A.D. Coburn.

Contrary to this letter, it has been confirmed that Coburn actually lost the election, being named runner-up to his long-time rival and far handsomer, couller and more manly opponent Damon Coull.


What is known of Coburn's early life suggests that he was a fun-loving young person for all of the unknown years leading up to his record in written history and recent memory, beginning with his undertaking of tertiary study at the University of Newcastle.

The University of Newcastle

File:Nbn.jpg

Beginning his study of law in 2014, Coburn transitioned through the degree with unprecedented ease, completing his studies (which by standard duration takes up nine years of full-time enrolment) in just eight months. This example of unparalleled intellect and ambitious drive is further reflected in Coburn's term as Chief Justice of Australia, which he began in 2014, while concurrently studying law.

It would be assumed that some issues might arise in that he was hearing cases as Chief Justice based upon legal principles that he himself had not yet learned. However, Coburn himself openly refuted such assumptions, and is known for telling a reporter who was working for the NBN News in late 2013, shortly after his appointment had been announced, that she was "A dirty nonce," and that he would never "Allow [her] a shot at the title." The latter remark was construed by many to be a sexual slur. Coburn later confirmed this reading of the remark.

Chief Justice

File:Judge coburn.jpg

Taking up the mantle of Chief Justice of the High court during the study of his law degree, Coburn demonstrated once more that he was no ordinary man. Aged just eighteen at the time of his appointment, Coburn led the court through a time of unprecedented judicial unity; in the entirety of his sitting as Chief Justice, there was not one single dissent in any case heard by the High Court, with unanimous verdicts one way or the other in every matter brought forward for judicial consideration.

Critics inferred that there must have been some form of peer bullying taking place on the part of Coburn, with N. Foster suggesting in his most recent book <i<Nine Hundred Pages of Nothing At All</i> that Coburn CJ would have to have been threatening his fellow justices to agree with his every opinion (as each judgement text seemed to contain only Coburns own words, with no evidence of any different judicial reasoning. No reasoning by any other judges was evident at all in fact, but for six identical lines written at the bottom of each judgement, giving the name of each of the other six justices and the phrase "I agree with my brother Coburn CJ for the reasons he has described.").

Others however have expressed doubt about this idea of Coburn having 'bullied' his peers - rather, a number of free-thinking Australians believe the innumerable unanimous decisions to merely be the result of the Chief Justice invariably protesting "Ah, no," when faced with the opinion of another judge which differed from his own, his dismissing of the statement with a wave of his hand and a subsequent rising from his chair to deliver the 'correct' opinion (being his own).

Prime Minister

Leaving the bench of the High Court to continue his political career, Coburn returned to his beloved Liberal Party as the Leader of the Opposition, following a landslide defeat of Tony Abbott's government in 2017. During his canvassing of Australia prior to the 2020 Federal Election, Coburn was known to refuse to kiss any babies he came in contact with, declaring instead that he would kiss only attractive women, and the occasional attractive man.

As predicted by numerous political commentators such as Laurie Oakes in the lead-up to the election, Coburn won by an overwhelming 99.999% majority. It is believed (though it cannot be legally confirmed) that the only Australian to vote against Coburn was in fact Bill Shorten, who was also the only member of the then governing Australian Labor Party to vote against Coburn.

Since election in 2020, Coburn has acted as Prime Minister of Australia and maintains that every single one of his political viewpoints will be controversial. He stated in a recent interview: "I don't want to live in, let alone govern, a country in which I don't have the regular opportunity to tell my subjects 'Ah, no,' and set them straight."

Prominent Friendships

File:Ted.jpg

Coburn has lived a varied life in which he has cultivated many friendships, from leaders of state to movie stars, university lecturers to comely simulated judges. One of his more notable friendships is with Ted Hughes, a rakishly handsome comrade from before his university days.

Titles, styles and honours

Titles and styles

  • 7 May 1995 – 9 March 2013: Mr Alex Coburn
  • 9 March 2013 – 4 June 2013: The Honourable Alex Coburn, MP
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  • 4 June 2013 – 23 October 2014: The Honourable Alex Coburn, MP, Minister for Dirty Nonces, Slags and the Collingwood Football Club
  • 4 January 2014 – 22 October 2017: His Honour Alex Coburn CJ, Chief Justice of The High Court of Australia
  • 23 October 2017 – 19 January 2020: The Honourable Alex Coburn, MP, Leader of the Opposition
  • 19 January 2020 – Present: The Honourable Alex Coburn, MP, Prime Minister of Australia

Honours

Medals
  • Australia 9 Feburary 2015 Public Service Medal, For service as Chief Justice of the High Court of Australia, and ensuring that every judicial decision for the duration of his sitting term was unanimous.
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